Hello. I'm a neighbor。
I don't know if you've ever had the experience of suddenly looking at a person in a crowd, there's no particular reason to be surprised, to look at him, to talk, to be comfortable, to feel like he doesn't hate himself, even though he's different。
So you're sneaking around and you're skeptical: am i thinking too much? Is it just me? A lot of people on the internet say, "i like it mostly because i love myself," but in reality, there's a lot of people who end up finding that the original move was really two-way。
It is important to state here that the “presumably” is not equal to 100 per cent. The psychological rule is a general tendency, not a fortune-teller, much less a magic of fate. It is not that you must be the one to whom you like; it is that, in many cases, affection does not come out of one hand, and it will pass on to one another quietly。
Today, we speak with the big words that ordinary people can understand, of the three psychological patterns behind them that have been studied and validated; we also say what the real signals are, what the good images are, and what the good ones are, and what they do when they understand them, rather than guess them in their hearts。
I. Law of pity: people instinctively like "people who like themselves"
The first, psychologically called the law of pleasure (also known as reciprocity, mutual preferences), is also one of the most stable discoveries in the field of interpersonal attraction。
A simple sentence: it is easier for us to get a crush on those who release goodwill, appreciate us, and have a crush on us。
Many people think that love is “i'm attracted to each other's faces and talents before i start to like it”. I can't say it's wrong, but many people ignore one thing: when you start to like someone in your heart, your behavior changes quietly; these minor changes are actually felt。
It's not that you want to go, it's that you can't hide
- when you talk to him, you don't know what to say
- you're willing to listen to him when he's talking, not to interrupt, not to deny
- you'll remember the little things he mentioned
- even if you disagree, you won't let him down
- when you see him, your eyes will stay longer and the whole person will be more relaxed。
These details are sending a message silently: you were accepted and seen here。
And a creature like human beings is born longing to be recognized and seen. When one feels “in front of the other, i don't have to be stressed, i don't have to fight to prove myself”, the brain binds this comfort to the person before it。
There was an experiment at the university of virginia: researchers showed the participants information about strangers and told some of them that “the other side had a good impression of you”; then the questionnaire showed that those who were told “the other side likes themselves” had a much greater sense of affection towards this stranger。
This experiment does not mean that “when someone expresses a preference, we fall in love with each other immediately”; it proves that the preference itself has a “reciprocal attribute”. Others cast goodwill on us, and we would instinctively tend to return one another。
But there's a very important area of error, which must be distinguished:
The law of happiness is not “if i secretly like him, he must love me”; it is not “i can love it when i give it without conditions”。
What is a favor? It's self-absorbing, pandering, afraid of a little rejection; it's “i have to do enough to be seen”。
And the joy of joy is transmitted with respect: i see what is best for you, and i accept you ordinary, and i am willing to be good to you, but i have my own bottom line。
If a man faces you with only stress, burden, suffocation, which is too much needed, it is difficult to make a difference。
I had a friend who used to think, "i want to hide, i want to lose." people with a sense of affection, who deliberately pretended to care, had actually thought that he was not interested, and had slowly become alienated. He then tried not to disguise himself: he was just normally willing to talk and to respond seriously, without making violent statements; he found several relationships that could have been approached, which had been blocked by “exercise preparedness”。
There is, of course, a situation where some people are very introverted, or there is no intention of falling in love at all, and even if you feel your good will, you may not respond as warmly. It doesn't mean you're bad. It's just that pleasure is a "predisposition," not a corollary。
The most useful way to understand this is to lower our self-esteem: do not begin with the notion that “i am certainly not worthy and he will never look at me”; your good will itself is a powerful attraction。
The projection effect: you can see his good, often a two-way "open"
The second rule, called projection effect。
Many people have heard the word, but the understanding is somewhat biased: “the projection is to impose what i want”, which is only half right. In sum, it is very difficult for us to really see a person who has nothing to do with himself; we can notice, share, appreciate, and often have in our hearts, or desire。
A simple example:
A man who is often suspicious and hard to trust in his heart can easily read “sets” and “calculations” even when he encounters a genuine person
A place where people who are accustomed to seeing the virtues of others and are willing to believe in good will are more likely to find light on others。
And when you really think that a person is gentle, interesting, very reliable, it means that you have a place in your heart that is connected to these qualities。
What is more interesting is that this “willing to see” is in itself a very scarce ability; the people who are seen are more likely to see you。
Many articles on the internet have written the projection effect as a "trap": "you don't love him, you don't love him." this is a reminder, but it cannot be entirely taken seriously。
There is no 100 per cent complete insight into another person in the world; all like, with a little imagination; healthy like, "i appreciate what i see, and i'm willing to slowly understand you"; unhealthy projection, "i don't care what you really are, you have to meet the perfect template in my head."。
Then why say, "you like him, and he likes you more" and it's about projection
For there is an invisible “barrier” between people: most of the time, we are protecting ourselves, customarily picky, guard, and distance, and it is only when two people are at some point “defended” and willing to observe and to have a relationship with each other that they have the opportunity to grow。
And if you have seen him, you would have opened it a little, and it happens that he is not in the habit of closure; then there is more than an invisible link between you than an ordinary stranger。
I've seen a lot of troubles: "is he doing this to everyone, or is he just different to me?"
You don't have to say anything or do something. You can see the whole thing:
- would he like to talk to you about little things he doesn't
- when you say something more personal, he doesn't judge and laugh
- doesn't he ask you sometimes when he's having an unimportant choice
These are not proof that he has fallen in love with you, but that he has no defence against you and is willing to put you in a zone where you can be better known。
Most of the time, it's not "he's sure he likes me first, i'm sure i like him" but "i want to see him, and he wants to see me" and it's only then that he grows。
But beware of the illusions of over-projection:
Some people are too eager to be loved, and as soon as they are more polite and polite, they are able to make up a whole series of relationships; all normal behaviour of the other side is interpreted as “he also likes me”。
Piety is not the same as preference; upbringing is not the same as inspiration; occasional chat is not the same as special。
The projection serves as a reminder that your sincerity is in the heart; but it needs to be tested in reality, not by mere imagination。
The rosenthal effect: your expectations will quietly shape the atmosphere between you
The third rule is the famous rosenthal effect, also called self-fulfilling prophecy。
There was a famous experiment by psychologist rosenthal: he randomly singled out a group of students in a school and told the teacher that “the potential of these children is great”; a few months later, the results of these “expected” children were clearly positive。
The principle is not a mysterious force: teachers who believe that they are good give them more patience, ask more questions, encourage them, and children feel that trust, and their behaviour changes, and finally they are really close to that expectation。
And in your emotions, this pattern can be understood as follows: in your heart you believe that “the man is good and maybe we can get along” and that your words and actions will be unwittingly more friendly and relaxed; that this laxity will infect each other; and, finally, it really makes each other feel better。
The opposite is true: if you begin by saying that “i will be rejected and rejected”, you will be nervous, evasive, cautious and sensitive; this kind of tension will make both people tired; and, in the end, it is often true that you are moving away — not doomed, but consumed by negative expectations。
It is important to clarify here that the rosenthal effect is not “as long as i believe that we will be together, it will be possible”。
Its power is to "expand the possibilities that exist" and not to create love in vain。
It's really powerful, it affects the quality of life:
The same two people, one, “i'm ready to be hated, so i have to be vigilant, to test, to prove myself”; the other, “if not, it's good to know a good person, and i'm willing to speak and be normal”; and the other, the experience of both things is completely different。
Many are afraid to come near, afraid that “if i move, it will hurt in the end”. This fear is normal; but many times, it is not the rejection itself that really destroys a potential fate, but rather the constant failure of the rehearsal, the constant self-frustration and the heavy and tense atmosphere。
There is one detail that many people do not realize: self-confidence is not the same as good-looking, excellent conditions; the kind of laxity that really attracts people is, "i admit that i have shortcomings, but i have something to understand; i like you, but i am not afraid to lose."。
Not pretentious, but stable: i will not deny myself because you don't like me, nor will i place all my life on you because you're nice to me。
This stability makes people feel that there is no burden in living with you; it is precisely the best growing soil。
Iv. Distinguishing between "two-way preferences" and "love": 4 realistic signals that can be consulted
And to read here, there may be people who are excited, and there will be people who are worried, "how can i distinguish between people who really have feelings for each other, or do i have a lot of brains?"
Psychology is not used to capture “evidence” or to convict with words; all of the following are “comprehensive references” that do not meet the target; nothing can be said in a single article; and many of them exist for long periods of time to be noted。
- be willing to invest in the "unseeable cost": not just talking to you when it's all right; when he's busy, he doesn't disappear completely; he won't always let you open the subject unilaterally; he's willing to spend a little time and a little emotion to respond to you。
Not that the other side should return in seconds and be present at any time, but that you can sense that he is not obstinate, nor has he kept you in the back。
- there is a moderate "self-exposure" and a willingness to listen to your thoughts: it's hard to get warm when two people talk, work, gossip, and sometimes they talk about their stress, regret, hobby, and they're willing to listen to your feelings, rather than just reason or change the subject, which is the signal that trust is growing。
Note: it's not just the first time i've known you, it's gradual, it's the past。
- i'm willing to adjust the border for you, but not the bottom line: for example, he would not have liked to go out, but would have been willing to walk with you occasionally; he would not have spoken much, but would have answered your questions carefully; but he would also have made it clear when he was tired and when it was not convenient。
There is respect in true love; there are no borders except for flattering。
- his kindness is "stabilized" and not cold and hot: it's easy to be warm at once; it's hard to be gentle for a long time. Today's special enthusiasm, the disappearance of a six-month-old, has suddenly appeared; it is mostly a sense of less serious enthusiasm, more like filling a gap in emotions。
These, in turn, remind themselves not to get too far:
- only you; he's always passive; if you don't find him, you'll talk to him
- he's nice to you, but that's good for almost everyone
- he has often made vague remarks, but has never been willing to establish a relationship or to give you any clarity
- you're often in self-doubt, emotional ups and downs, having a bad sleep, eating bad food, mostly anxiety rather than warm。
These are not “he or he is bad”; they just mean that, at this stage, you have not yet developed a feeling of mutual support; there is no need to rush into all of it。
When you see the pattern, the best thing to do is not "guess," but "get out."
A lot of people have finished with their psychology, and the first reaction is: great, i finally have a way to make him fall in love with me。
But i would like to say the truth: psychology can help us with less internal consumption and less pitfalls; it has no “winner formula”。
What is really useful is the small things that are not difficult but that many do not want to do。
First, stop "hidden investigative like"。
Do not look at all his social dynamics, don't knock on his friends, and don't play back and forth over and over and over. Such behaviour will not bring you closer, but will lead your emotions to each other; it will also be easy to zoom in a little ordinary interaction into a big signal。
Like someone can; but don't let it take most of your life. You should be at work, you should be at work, you should be at work, you should be at work, you should meet your friends; a person who lives for himself is more attractive。
Second, a modest release of good will, but not a one-time pledge。
You don't have to come up here and make a big statement; you don't have to be cold. "it's nice to talk to you, i'd like to know more."
For example, a normal offer was initiated: “there's a coffee shop that is good and can sit with you sometime.”
If the other party so wishes, it will live with each other; if it refuses to do so with euphemism and avoids it many times, it will receive it with dignity。
Likeness can be expressed; but pursuit is a two-way journey, not a one-sided offensive。
Don't think, "i'm going to stay longer, he's going to be touched by me." it's not like love; it's going to be hard to get a relationship that needs to be tough for you for a long time。
Thirdly, focus part of the attention, from “he likes me” to “i like being with him”。
Many people have reversed the order: first they try to confirm each other's intentions before they allow themselves to move。
In fact, it turns out, even if he really likes you, does he have anything you don't like? Is your pace of life, your values, the way you treat your family and friends compatible
A sense of good is only the starting point; long-term coexistence is based on true character, realistic conditions and mutual inclusion。
Don't equate the word “good for each other” with the words “we were born right”; the word “good” is the ticket, not the end。
Fourth, to accept the "possible failure"。
Life is not the result of every move. Even if the two people had feelings for each other, they might not be able to come together because of timing, circumstances that were not acceptable and different life plans。
It doesn't mean nobody's bad, it just doesn't fit。
We learn these psychological patterns not to ensure that every time we win, but to: not be afraid when we treasure it, not to let go; not to miss those who deserve it because we are humbled, nor to consume ourselves because we are committed。
There is a widespread saying on the internet: “love is not about looking for a perfect person, but about looking at the imperfect.”
In today's discourse, it's often two-way; but this two-way is a little bit more than two people willing to go forward; if only one person works hard, the psychological effect is useless。
In this life, we have many moments of heart; some of the flowering results, and some of them of appreciation; and, in any case, it is a precious thing to be able to love a person in good faith. There is no need to be completely closed for fear of injury; nor to bet on all self for a single move。
Topical discussion: have you ever had a moment in your past when you found out that it was a two-way relationship, that no one had dared to move forward? Or do you think it's best to judge a person's feelings? You're welcome to leave your real ideas in the comment area; you can also focus on the account numbers, and we'll talk about the real topics of intimacy and self-development later。
